


All Of Our Ribs

by h0ney_has_mang0es



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Choi San is Sad, Choi San-centric, Dark Past, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Use, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, It's not my forte, M/M, Open to Interpretation, Panic Attacks, Strangers to Lovers, This Is For You, Yunho is Good, Yunho is The Best, Yunsan nation, friends to strangers, i also think, i think, skz make an appearence every now and then
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:26:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28060119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h0ney_has_mang0es/pseuds/h0ney_has_mang0es
Summary: What would happen if San let him see everything? What would happen if Yunho knew?"I… I just," he took a breath, aware of Yunho's other hand moving down to hold his waist. Yunho held him steady. Safe. Even the cool evening breeze couldn't break the warmth they shared. "I wasn't sure if…"If you would let me touch you. If you'd want me to.or: Sad San, bad past, weird present, Yunho doesn't understand, but wants to. (For those in need of Yunsan)
Relationships: Choi San/Jeong Yunho
Comments: 21
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> READ READ READ
> 
> This is mostly drabbles, so please don't be expectant of any consistent updates (or any at all). I was just really in the mood for sad when this was created.
> 
> There will also be darker things touched upon in the future, so don't read if you are easily triggered. Keep the tags in mind.
> 
> . . .
> 
> Otherwise, please enjoy! There are so many amazing authors on here and I want to thank everyone who has written Yunsan, even if it was a side-ship. I live for this ship. I will sink with it if I have to.  
> Also, not great at English at all times. I tend to have brain farts. And NO BETA, WE DIE LIKE MEN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that inspired the vibe of this chapter: Ribs, Lorde.

* * *

. . .r i b s. . .

* * *

It was a quiet night. The air was completely still, no cloud in sight. The stars drifted by, lazy. The boy next to him was silent, his chest rising and falling slowly.

Yunho let the sheer curtain go in favour of propping himself upright onto his elbow so that he could look at the raven haired boy sleeping peacefully.

 _Peaceful_ wasn't exactly what one associated with San.

An easy breeze picked up, making the curtains flutter slowly into the dark room. The horizon was a peach orange that bled into the lavender sky. The sound of the ocean in the distance drifted in.

Yunho took his free hand to drag the bangs away from San's forehead so that he could look at his features. His eyebrows were so relaxed, Yunho couldn't hold in his smile. San was very expressive, his face constantly decorated with the traces of what he was feeling.

It was the calmest he had been since Yunho found him again. Or did San find him?

It didn't matter.

They were pressed together completely, from their legs that were tangled together to the hand San had rested on Yunho's waist before he drifted off. The warmth that bloomed on his skin where San touched was probably the best thing Yunho has felt in years.

It made him happier than he thought it possibly could.

San let out a sudden, strong puff of breath. It hit Yunho square in the face, since he was leaning in so close. He felt it trace through his hair before it disappeared into the atmosphere. Yunho let out a silent laugh, giddy with how easy this all felt.

It had been a rough ride thus far. Not that Yunho would ever complain. He had San with him again, which was something he didn't think he'd get back from the world. He was so fucking grateful.

But San was still dealing with his demons. Those demons waited for him around every corner, took his thoughts captive and held him prisoner within his own dreams. He was drowning in memories and it was tiring to keep on picking up the thousands upon thousands of pieces that he shattered into. But Yunho still did it.

Every time.

And he would keep doing it until San didn't break anymore.

His giggle must have been louder than he thought, because San started stirring, a frown of drowsiness pulling his eyebrows down. Yunho used his thumb to trace their shape. He was fascinated with how handsome the smaller was.

The action made San's eyelashes flutter open, his dark eyes arresting in their intensity. He jerked against Yunho, his muscles spasming as an instinctive reaction.

Yunho wondered how many times San had woken up like this when he was completely alone. The thought made his breath hitch, but he kept his face neutral.

The harsh flash of fear disappeared from San's dark brown eyes as he made eye contact. His fist that had tightly clenched the hem of Yunho's shirt relaxed. His entire body melted into Yunho as a shy smile graced his lips.

He wasn't used to undivided attention. Yunho resolved to change that.

" _Yunho_ ," he whined, his voice deep and raspy with sleep. He gently threw his arm over Yunho's middle while snuggling his face into the pillow. He tried to hide.

Yunho relished in the way his hand gripped the back of his shirt. The way San peered up at him shyly. Like Yunho was what made him feel safe. He wanted to keep San safe for the rest of their lives.

He smiled at San. His hand cupped San's cheek. He brushed it into his soft hair, the strands like silk between his fingers. When he spoke, his voice was huskier than he expected.

" _San-ah._ "

That made the smaller giggle. He flattened his hand on Yunho's back, before pulling it back into a fist, dragging a lot of the material of Yunho's oversized shirt to the back. Exposing a sliver of his abdomen.

Yunho tilted San's head back gently so that he could see his face properly. Soak in the warmth that spread over the other's features. He pressed his lips to his forehead quickly.

San's giggle bubbled out of his chest as he tried hiding his face again, squirming against Yunho's hold. It caused his shirt to ride up, and Yunho felt a rush of butterflies as their skin rubbed together there.

" _You're not escaping me, Sannie_ ," he murmured through a grin. San's eyes traveled his face, fond. It was so warm here.

San let go of his shirt, his hand instead sneaking down so that he could slip it in underneath. Goosebumps littered Yunho's skin as San trailed his nails lightly up the line of his spine.

Yunho let the laugh stumble over his lips, knowing he couldn't hide the blush that travelled up his neck. There was a sparkle in San's eyes which hadn't been there before.

It actually made Yunho sad, but he broadened his smile. He wished that San could wake up like this every morning. Nothing to weigh him down or drown him.

Today was going to be a good day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that inspired the vibe of this chapter: When I R.I.P., Labrinth.
> 
> READ THE TAGS!
> 
> I need to mention that the story is not at all chronologically presented, but I think that'll be quite apparent when you read further. And please, enjoy!
> 
> ps: Yet again, no beta. There might have been a few mistakes that slipped through the cracks, but yeah, read at your own risk if you're picky about grammar.

* * *

. . .w h e n i r . i . p .. . .

* * *

Running into Yunho had been a complete accident. It was so jarring in its sudden nature that San almost felt like he witnessed a meteor ripping through the atmosphere and crashing into the Earth.

But he was also running on a mix of alcohol and an unknown dosage of ecstasy, so he might have been overreacting.

He had fucked up. And he had fucked up bad.

Whether it had been him who dragged Wooyoung to the party or the other way around, it didn't really seem to matter anymore. The party was wild, like they preferred, and San had gotten sucked into the chaos, without resistance, way too quickly.

He usually took it slow, willing to let the natural dynamics of a college party make its rounds. That meant that he usually got into the drugs when it was past midnight and their ensemble was small enough that you could remember everyone's faces.

But Changbin was already dealing weed and Hyunjin offered San a drag of their private supply. Which was great quality stuff. San could never turn that down.

Somewhere along the night, he had lost Wooyoung completely. He was halfway down a bottle of vodka when he realised this, and had started towards the dance area to resolve the strange feeling that had sparked up in his belly.

With his senses addled and the quick spinning of the Earth, San found it difficult to keep going.

But when the yelling started up a few hours later, he jerked away from the sweaty masses. With the drug running its course through his bloodstream, his coordination sucked. But he was lucid enough to see the paramedics barge in through the front.

And when they came back down with an unconscious Wooyoung, his system went into shock. He wanted to run to the other, but his body and his brain had been disconnected, and somehow he found himself retching his guts out on the front lawn. He watched the sunrise through vomit-induced tears. 

He arrived at the hospital half an hour later, his mind fuzzy but determined. His memory was mostly fucked, but he distinctly remembered what happened thereafter. 

The reception desk was a nuisance. The people there kept asking him questions that he didn't understand. And he didn't want to understand in the first place. 

Why were they asking about him anyway? He wanted to know about Wooyoung.

The arguing paired with the last chemical explosions in his brain caused by the drugs made him weak. He stumbled into the person next to him. A familiar voice cut through his spinning thoughts.

" _San?_ "

He looked up at the person who hadn't been there a second ago. Could only make out a blurry circle with blotches for features. The voice had no name attached to it.

He heard talking, and the feeling of recognizing something without recognizing it pissed him off more than anything. He didn't care about that right now.

He wasn't sure if it actually made it past his lips, but he put in the effort to remind whoever was listening that he wanted Wooyoung. To see Wooyoung.

" _Yes, I know him. I'm so sorry, I'll take him,_ " the voice said. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, guiding him away. He stumbled into a firm chest, which was clad in a simple black hoodie. It smelled clean and warm. Safe. 

" _Shit, you're burning up. Do you feel sick?_ "

He remembered he was irritated that he could make out every strand in the material before his eyes but that he couldn't really see the face of the person who was touching him. He was physically placed down onto a cold seat. San blinked, confused, as a bottle of water and a chocolate bar was shoved into his hands. 

" _You have to eat something with a lot of calories. You look wasted, San,_ " came the voice again and as he frowned up at the owner who had sat down next to him, an image popped up into his mind.

" _Puppy?_ " he asked. It was answered with an exasperated chuckle. The bottle was taken from his hands. The cap twisted off.

" _Most people call me Yunho, but at least you remember me._ "

Wait.

_Yunho?_

Oh fuck. 

The bottle was slapped away as San jerked back. His hand stung, but he was more concerned with the unexpected rush of memories that flooded him to really care. He didn't understand.

Yunho was gone. There wasn't a Yunho in his life anymore. There hadn't been for years. Where the hell did he suddenly come from?

San knew he should feel bad for spilling half of the water all over Yunho's nice looking hoodie, but a headache spiked up into his brain. It was so sharp that tears welled up in his eyes very suddenly.

" _Okay, take it easy. It's fine, San,_ " his voice was smooth. San didn't remember it being so deep and smooth. " _Please, just drink a bit. Eat the chocolate. Your body needs at least something._ "

San was silent as he stared up at the taller boy. Even seated, Yunho seemed to tower over him, but later he suspected that it was due to the fact that Yunho had a natural, larger-than-life presence. It tended to draw people to him.

There wasn't really anyone who didn't like him. 

His hair was a faded strawberry pink, which kind of fucked with San's influenced mind. He blamed that pretty head of hair for the fact that he couldn't recall Yunho's name.

Yunho seemed unbothered by the way San was looking him over, and if San had been in his right mind, he would have known that it was because Yunho was doing the exact same thing. At that time though, Yunho's comment just confused him.

" _Doesn't look like you've really eaten much of anything._ "

What the hell did that have to do with the fact that Yunho was here? Where the hell was Wooyoung?

" _Have you seen Wooyoung?_ " he nearly slurred, but got his message across with a frown. He didn't notice that Yunho had taken the bar and unwrapped it, but he didn't really care when it was held in front of his face. The smell of chocolate made his mouth water, which made him realise how hungry he was.

Yunho was still regarding him with a thoughtful expression. As if San was some puzzle to solve. San felt targeted under the attention, but knew it was just a by-product of his conditioned paranoia.

It was impossible to suspect anything bad when Yunho had those puppy-like eyes trained on him. The thought didn't settle San's nerves. Nothing ever did.

He bit into the sugar-packed chocolate bar. Almost groaned at how the texture of something solid to eat was so satisfying.

" _No, but I know he's already being treated. He OD'd. Developed hyperthermia._ "

San stopped chewing. Guilt settled in his chest. He frowned, unsure. He didn't understand.

_Which one was that again?_

Yunho seemed to read his mind, but then again, Yunho had always been quick-witted.

" _His body temperature suddenly went up. That usually leads to dehydration. It made him pass out,_ " he explained as if he had swallowed a textbook, but all the words that didn't matter went over San's head.

He had basic understanding. The entire thing made San feel guilty for being who he was. Guilty for choosing drugs and immediate gratification instead of his best friend. 

The thought of drugs made him look down at the bottle of water Yunho was holding for him. It was still uncapped. He noticed how dry his mouth was. His throat like sandpaper.

Was the room really this humid or was San just imagining it?

He reached out for the bottle, but Yunho brought the opening up to San's lips. As he gulped down the refreshing water, still cold, he stared at the glittering rings on Yunho's slender fingers. Another surge of memories bubbled up behind his throat and he tore his face away from the bottle.

Yunho was quick but there was still a bit that spilled. As the droplets trailed down San's chin and throat, he became more and more aware of how hot it was. But he was having trouble keeping everything in his stomach down.

He knew he was overstimulated.

A long night filled with a lot of strangers. Little to none sleep beforehand. The aftereffects of mixing alcohol and drugs wreaking havoc on his body. The stress of seeing Wooyoung passed out and being carried away. And then the sudden trip down memory lane. 

San saw it coming, but he had no way of stopping once it took hold. He sucked in an urgent breath. His stomach and shoulder muscles contracted, forcing him to fold in on himself.

The room flooded with heat. Sweat broke out over his skin, dragging hot trails down the sides of his face. The walls were creeping closer, boxing him in. The noise in the room was getting louder and louder. The Earth tilted on its side and gravity no longer held him steady.

When he tried breathing, his lungs refused to let any air in.

" _San? Hey, what's wrong?_ " Yunho sounded very close, like he was leaning over San. The chair disappeared from beneath him, and suddenly he was on the floor.

He pressed his forehead there, and the cold only lasted so long before his body heat spread to that spot. He shifted, rolling his head a bit to the side. The feeling of his clothes sticking to him like a second skin made him more uncomfortable. 

He tried breathing again. His jaw clenched as his throat convulsed. The muscles over his back pulled so tight it was physically painful. It felt like they would tear themselves to ribbons over the sharp edges of his bones.

" _Get him out of that jacket, now._ "

He heard from somewhere. Then there were pretty hands with glimmering fingers that pushed his denim jacket over his shoulders. They were gone again, but the heavy material was pulled further, wrestling it from his sticky body. 

He felt someone's warm breath fan over his bare shoulders and it made him shiver. Not that it was noticeable. He was trembling to pieces already, having no control over his own muscles.

There were voices overhead, in the distance for San and his fucked-up senses, but there were hands on his back in the midst of the chaos. They were too warm, pressing his damp shirt against his hot skin.

But the pressure they added was his saving grace. Their owner was strong, rubbing firmly at the tight knot of the muscles between his shoulders. They moved in twin circles, the hands soothing over his shoulders, shoulder blades and down his back, before moving up again. They didn't stop, unrelenting, and it was like they were physically messaging the panic attack away.

The pain faded after a while, leaving his skin feeling raw where the hands were still applying pressure. He tried to breathe. A surge of hot air filled his lungs. It burned, but it was so much better than not breathing. 

He choked, noticing that he was laying over someone's folded legs. Tears streamed down his overheated cheeks. San tried to sit up, but the floor spun as soon as he moved his head. 

Hands supported his shoulders, guiding him to sit up with the help of leaning into the person. He had to blink several times to get the tears and sweat out of his eyes. It stung.

He turned to look up at the person, maybe say thank you, or apologize. His mind went still as he gazed into Yunho's pretty eyes. Relief sat like a lump in his throat and before any words could make it past his lips, he was crying in earnest.

Yunho leaned back more, taking more of San's weight, and moved him so that his face was pressed into the crook of his neck. And Yunho sat that morning, holding San as the nurses explained to him everything a panic attack entailed.

San listened as they told Yunho that it was probably due to the fact that he had taken psychoactive drugs with alcohol, all the while Yunho's hands were brushing wet strands of hair out of his face. San listened as Yunho asked them questions about dehydration and passing out, and he let the tears spill from his eyes as Yunho used his other hand to rub comforting circles into his waist.

San also sat and listened to the steady beat of Yunho's heart, sinking into the feeling of Yunho's chest vibrating every time he spoke.

There was a Yunho here, with him. There hadn't been for a long time, which made San more numb than anything. But now that he was here again, he wasn't just in the distance or on the surface.

He was holding onto San, warm and steady and strong. He was rubbing the pain away and breathing refreshing air into his burning lungs.

And he was everything San ever wanted, and thought he never deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and the sweet comments! The fact that you're reading this means you are really kind and I appreciate every single one of you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used for this chapter, more for the name than the vibe: Daddy Issues, The Neighbourhood. (This chapter turned out waaaaaay differently than I planned originally)
> 
> This chapter is PACKED with info, so just be prepared. There are implied things (hints) here, but nothing of my plot is spoiled, so yeah... read carefully. Maybe take a look at the tags again.
> 
> Furthermore, please enjoy! I worked hard on this! :D

* * *

…d a d d y i s s u e s… 

* * *

  
  


There was a certain amount of guilt that came with knowing things you weren't supposed to know. And there was also that weird feeling when you knew something was off but you didn't think it was your place to say or do anything.

Yunho only realised after this entire thing with San started that he had felt that way during most of his teenage years. That he was feeling it every time he saw San now, but he couldn't really put a name to it.

It was probably when they were fourteen or fifteen. Everyone knew that San's father was really strict. It was something they never really talked about, but whenever San's parents were mentioned, the wariness seeped into the atmosphere.

San would always tense up. All of his friends, including Yunho, noticed. They only ever steered the conversation in another direction. Not once did they stop and ask San if there was something wrong.

To be fair, Yunho had always been aware of the fact that San would push away once anyone got too close. Whenever someone breached his personal space, he'd get defensive and mean.

Yunho had been just a kid himself. Only ever thought that San was stuck up sometimes. Thought that San needed to get out of his comfort zone more.

Yunho remembered the first time he had been really concerned. They had an opening event at school, and since their group of friends had been more activity focused than academics, they decided to put up a performance.

Yunho had been great at all sports and was known to be a great dancer, so he was one of their main attractions. San was the best volleyball player in their school, and his father was the owner of a taekwondo academy. That consequently meant he was great at taekwondo and that he would also serve as one of the main acts.

But San was reserved. It was difficult to convince him to put up a performance. It was like pulling teeth with him. Yunho remembered that he had been really frustrated back then.

Most of their group wanted to do it, but they lacked the skill. San didn't want to do it, but he had amazing things to show.

Without really knowing how, Yunho was great at entertaining a crowd. He was relaxed whenever there were eyes on him, and the desire to show people what he had to offer always sparked up. It was like a flame that never went out. That could never be satisfied.

This made him a hard worker, regardless of his easy-going attitude. So his friends had made him the unofficial leader of the project, which meant he had to make sure everyone pulled their weight.

When they finally convinced San to do a few things with them, they had all been pleasantly surprised with his skills. He could kick higher than his head, jump and spin _and_ land on his feet every time. Yunho remembered that the frustration was replaced with confusion.

San was cool. San was even more than that. He was interesting. Why the hell was he so reluctant to show himself when he had an array of things that would leave people's mouths hanging open?

Yunho was satisfied with San's work ethic as well. For someone who didn't really want to put up a performance, he showed up to every single practice Yunho had scheduled anyway. Sometimes he looked dead tired, sweat dripping from his hair and dark half-moons underneath his eyes, but he'd still show up and do his part.

" _I just came from taekwondo practice. I'm sorry I'm late,_ " he said with a quick bow when Yunho asked if he was alright. San had avoided his gaze the entire day after that. Didn't even ask Yunho for improvements on his performance like he usually did. When San left as soon as the session ended, Yunho felt disappointed settle in his chest. 

He wanted to apologize, but wasn't exactly sure what he did to make San squirm away like that. And they were still kids. Didn't really hold on to stuff like that for long.

It had been closer to the date of the opening event when Yunho saw it. All of his friends were getting more serious during practices, and mistakes weren't brushed off with a laugh anymore.

San had been slightly late that day, but none of them gave him crap about it. They knew he had run from his father's dojo all the way to school to make it, San still in his taekwondo uniform. They felt like they were pulling slack because of it.

It's one of the things that made Yunho glad that San had agreed to join them.

Yunho followed him into the bathroom to ask if he was okay. He didn't want San to exhaust himself when the due date was so close. San hadn't closed the stall door completely, already yanking the belt of his uniform off. When Yunho stepped inside, San was shrugging the top off in a rush.

San might not have noticed Yunho coming in. That might be why he had been so careless about it.

There were multiple bruises, greens and blues and reds and purples, all over his back. From the place where his neck fit onto his spine right down to where the waistband of his pants hugged his narrow hips. Yunho couldn't see everything, but he vividly remembered how shocked he was when San's arm moved away and he saw a deep purple mark on his left set of ribs.

He was back outside before he could see anything else. He had never realised how intense taekwondo training was. Maybe San was as dedicated to that as he was to everything he did, and just overworked himself?

San was very determined, after all.

So Yunho tried to shrug it off. He pretended that he wasn't more focused on San's every movement ever since. He pretended that his rising concern when seeing San sweating profusely was only because the stress was getting to him.

Yunho ignored how impressed he was when San would soar high into the air, do a lightning fast spinning kick, and land on both feet without flinching once. Yunho ignored the urge to ask if San was okay.

He reasoned that San would only push him away if he did anyway.

They were getting caught up in the preparations for the event, so Yunho had decided to invite everyone for dinner the weekend before it would take place. He wanted to keep them aware of the fact that despite having the stress to do well, they were all friends and would still be afterwards, regardless of the results.

Yunho remembered the tension in the room when he asked San, even though everyone else was doing their own thing and seemingly ignoring them.

" _I'll have to check with my dad. Thank you anyway,_ " San seemed to struggle keeping Yunho's gaze, his eyes falling down to his feet. " _It sounds like it'll be fun._ "

That was when Yunho realised that San wasn't stuck up at all. He was shy.

_Cute._

The thought made Yunho smile. He reached forward to ruffle San's hair before moving on to Jongho to ask if he was down. Yunho only knew later on, thanks to Jongho's love of gossiping, that San had flushed a bright red after their interaction.

So it was quite disappointing when San didn't show up. They were all willing to wait for him, knowing that his father might be keeping him for another practice session. But by the half hour mark they agreed that he wasn't showing, and went on without him.

Yunho did linger on the verge of concern for a while, but after Jisung and Jongho launched into a lively debate about sea urchins and socks, he found himself effectively distracted. They were a loud, chaotic group, and by the time the elderly lady in the corner snapped her shocked gaze over to them for Jongho's apple breaking skits, Yunho had completely forgotten about it.

San looked fine at school. Still sticking to himself mostly, albeit that he didn't look Yunho in the eyes once. Yunho was just glad that the others were understanding towards San, Jongho patting his shoulder while expressing how deeply disappointed he was that San missed the theatrics.

" _Oh now I'm glad I wasn't there. I think I dodged a bullet. You can get quite embarrassing sometimes, Jongho-ah._ "

Yunho was too busy laughing at the expression on Jongho's face to recognize how San had effectively shifted the attention off of himself. But he was just a kid. None of them could really identify deflection when all they were thinking about was the upcoming soccer league and the taxing amount of homework that waited for them.

Practice went as usual, the seriousness of everyone was filling the air with tension. San was late again, but smiled when he was greeted with a cacophony chorus of _Welcome!_ 's. And he did his part as effortlessly as always, landing on his feet. He had the tendency to swing his arms due to the momentum of his moves, but Yunho thought it looked cool when San seemed on the edge of losing balance before casually standing upright.

San was a cool kid.

The day finally came, and even though Yunho was running on nerves, he was excited beyond belief. He knew he was smiling the entire time before they were supposed to go up.

" _Whose parents are here today? Mine came, along with my baby brother._ "

Everyone's parents were there. Even San's, which made them all curious. Yunho saw anticipation dawn on his friends when San spoke, clearly interested in what San's seemingly strict father was like in person. Yunho couldn't help but stare at San a little longer after the conversation continued on, his eyes taking in the tense line of his shoulders, the tightness of his expression.

Yunho could see he was nervous. He expected it. San was shy, it was reasonable.

He took San's elbow gently and pulled him to where there were less people. " _Hey, San-ah. How are you feeling?_ "

They stood close, a clear indication that it was private. It seemed that San both disliked and appreciated it. He met Yunho's eyes once before focusing on a spot on his shoulder.

" _I'm fine, thanks._ "

" _It's okay to be scared, you know. Things like this are intimidating to everyone, even me._ "

San gave a mock pained smile, like he knew Yunho only said it to make him feel better. He looked up at Yunho's eyes again briefly, his smile a little more genuine this time.

" _You're right. It's not my favourite thing ever, but we worked really hard. I think I'm more nervous about messing up than about going on stage._ "

That made Yunho uncomfortable, for some reason, and he didn't have the time to dissect and analyze it. He put his hand on San's shoulder, hoping it'll ease the other's tension. 

It was nice when San made eye contact again.

" _You're going to be fine, San-ah. Your hard work kept all of those crackheads inspired, and it kept me wanting to give my all._ " San giggled when Yunho pointed over his shoulder at their friends. It was the first time Yunho saw his dimples up close.

The area was starting to clear of kids, and Yunho saw their friends clustering together. The time was getting closer and closer.

As the two of them made for their group, San said, " _It's the same for me. Your determination made it easier for me to keep going. And you were so nice, I felt less pr-_ "

They reached their friends, and Jongho interrupted, as it was his specialty, " _Is Sannie-hyung confessing his undying love for Yunho-hyung? Finally?_ "

Yunho shoved his shoulder playfully as their laughter echoed through the nearly empty area. San was blushing all the way from his neck to the tips of his ears, not used to attention, however harmless it was.

There was one performance left before it was their turn. They all huddled together, almost conspiratorially. Their giddiness overpowered the nerves. Even San seemed more at ease.

" _Let's do this, guys._ "

Yunho said nearly bouncing on the balls of feet, and was answered with a rush of whispered, _Let's go!'_ s.

And it was amazing. They were amazing.

The lights were bright in their eyes and the ocean of dark faces beyond was as scary as it should have been, but the music filled the atmosphere and soon they were dancing and jumping and throwing things. Yunho loved the sound of his shoes on the wooden stage as he danced with the beat, as if he was the driving force behind the music.

Their costumes glimmered and the expressions on their done-up faces were earnest and raw. It was an amazing performance.

Yunho had seen San's part so many times he could have run up to him and joined him, but seeing San in his outfit with his features dramatically brought out by the makeup was breathtaking. San seemed weightless as he sprinted across the stage, sweat running down the sides of his face as he jumped high and shattered the wooden plank Jisung was holding out with a flashy kick.

He landed, too much power in his move, swung his arms wide, and stood upright. He was balanced like a cat. His smile was brilliant. The audience seemed to explode, clapping and cheering loudly. When all of them were finished and walking off after a deep bow, the audience hadn't stopped applauding.

" _Yesss!_ " Jisung hollered as Yunho pulled them together in a group hug, their happiness soaring through the roof. Jongho had an arm around San's slim waist and was shaking him vigorously. They couldn't stop smiling. 

This was the closest to magic they had come, Yunho thought. It was unreal to him. It seemed like it was unreal to all of them.

The excitement of their performance didn't die down. When everyone's parents came over to congratulate them all with tight hugs and cheers, Yunho saw his friends' elation climb higher.

San was also smiling a lot, even when his parents and older sister came by. The sight of San's father left everyone unsure, but when he personally shook each of their hands it almost felt like they had been given a medal. Yunho ignored the weird feeling he got when San's father shook his own son's hand.

Some parents were like that, weren't they? Maybe they didn't like public affection that much? Not everyone was as open to hugs like Yunho's family was.

San's sister wrapped him up in a tight hug, her pretty black hair spilling over San's shoulder like a waterfall. She clung to him for a long while and Yunho looked away to give them their moment. He felt like he was intruding on something private if he stared too long. 

See? San's sister looked like she loved hugging.

The night felt longer than any night before. They stood together and rehashed what had happened, expressing their pride and sense of accomplishment. San stood with them, his parents mingling with everyone else's.

When San accidentally made eye contact with him, Yunho made sure to give him a big smile. San didn't look away this time, smiling right back at him. Dimples and all. 

_Congratulations._

What was strange to Yunho, at that time, was that San wasn't someone who really missed school. Even though he was reserved and their group of friends didn't hang out every day, Yunho had categorized San as one of the kids who was always at school.

So when the next week came, and their ensemble was eager to tell everyone about how amazing the event was, Yunho didn't expect that San wouldn't show up at all. And when the next day came, and the next, Yunho thought that maybe San had come down with some kind of contagious illness that kept him from interacting with other people.

He remembered how their group of friends seemed worried at first, but because of the fact that San was rarely absent meant that he had the right to take a week off if he needed it, they didn't linger on it for too long. Even Yunho thought that San would've said something if it was serious.

And when San did show up the week thereafter, he seemed completely fine. He told them he had come down with a sudden fever, leaving him bedridden and useless for the better half of the week, so his parents gave him off to recover completely. San didn't smile as much, but the rare occasions when he did meet Yunho's eyes were enough for him.

Yunho remembered that he wanted to ask San what his parents, especially his father, thought of their performance, but it had slipped his mind. He thought now, in hindsight, if San would've lied about that as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos so far! I really hope you guys are safe and healthy, and if not, get well soon. My thoughts are with you all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, ya weirdos! Please enjoy this piece, it's probably my favourite thus far. I've never been this proud of my own writing before so yeah, it's something I really wanted to share with whoever is willing to read.
> 
> Song that inspired the vibe of this chapter : Forever, Labrith (what gave you the idea that I've been watching Euphoria?).

* * *

. . .f o r e v e r. . .

* * *

It didn't take them long to load all of their bags. It was mostly due to the fact that they were both broke students, but they agreed that it was because they didn't plan on making it a very long trip.

Yunho volunteered to take the first few hours, maybe until midnight, when San would take over. They climbed onto the highway and made it out of the city with the sun hanging low to their right. It flooded the horizon with brilliant orange, the sparse collection of clouds painted bright red.

The seat was adjusted to let him lean back comfortably. He had his bare feet on the dash, the windows rolled down and the gentle breeze stroking his cheeks and tangling his hair. San had just messed with the radio, finding a station that didn't broadcast fast-paced music. He watched through half-lidded eyes as Yunho reached out and increased the volume with his pretty fingers.

Yunho liked wearing rings, and even though it was something that brought San back to times he would rather forget, it was something San appreciated a lot. The small bands brought an elegance to his movements and every time they caught the light and sparkled, San was mesmerized by how nice his hands were.

San let his eyes fall shut, taking in a long breath that expanded his chest, and let it out in a satisfied huff. He folded his hands behind his head, feeling his shoulders and back stretch with the movement. It made him groan with how good it was.

There was a sudden warm hand on his thigh. He cracked one eye open to see Yunho quickly glancing down at him with a soft smile. He bit the inside of his cheek, suppressing a goofy smile in return.

This was all very new. The touching. The smiling.

San ignored the disappointment that came when Yunho took his hand away to switch gears. He wasn't going to make a big deal out of one simple touch. It was easy. He liked easy.

" _You look like you're having a good time._ " Yunho's voice was amused, soothing. 

San hummed his response. Eyes closed again. He wiggled his tailbone, settling into the seat more.

When Yunho's hand returned, San was surprised by the flutter of butterflies that blossomed in his insides. They took over and sent goosebumps prickling all over his skin.

" _You can sleep if you want. I'll wake you up when we get to a stop._ "

San could feel Yunho talking, his presence so large and consuming that he thought he might drown in it. But Yunho was warm and steady and safe. If anything, he gave San space to breathe. He made it easier for San to just be.

" _But I want to keep you company, Yunho-ah. It's no fun to be the only one awake when you have to drive far._ " His voice came out husky, and he opened his eyes to stare at the other while he was driving.

Yunho was bathed in soft orange light, his hair like a peach-coloured halo around his head. His skin looked healthy, taken care of. San ignored the way his breath hitched at how handsome the other was.

Yunho chuckled, his eyes sparkling like a puppy's, " _Says the one_ so _casually prepared to take a nap._ "

San slapped his shoulder, his smile betraying him. Yunho let out a laugh, the sound as refreshing as it was intoxicating. Made San feel light-headed.

" _I'm just resting my eyes for when it's my turn. You'll thank me later._ "

Yunho rubbed over his knee before sliding it back to where it was on his thigh, an amused huff leaving his lips. San thought that he might have discovered his favourite part of this entire thing already.

" _Yeah, sure._ "

The sun was sinking into the line of the horizon now, a half-circle winking at them over open grass fields and sparsely spaced trees. The deep golden light that greeted them added to the serenity the cool breeze was wrapping them in.

San wanted to reach out and touch Yunho's cheek, but he felt his insides twist at the thought. An unsure lump placed itself in his throat.

If he stroked the hair out of Yunho's eyes, would he be uncomfortable at San's touch? What if San disturbed something he had purposely made a certain way?

Would he get angry with San?

 _You know no one could ever want to be with_ you _, right?_

The thoughts crowded in on him, making him squirm in his place. He sat upright, urgently setting the seat up again. He caught Yunho throwing him a quick glance out of the corner of his eye.

His movement only caused Yunho to place his hand higher on his thigh. Yunho kept his attention on both him and the road, and San scolded himself for it.

He was just overreacting. He shouldn't have been distracting Yunho like that.

" _San-ah? Whatever is bothering you, it's okay,_ " he said as he lightly stroked San's thigh, the warmth of his hand bleeding through San's faded jeans. " _Don't let it get to you, Sannie. Everything is alright._ "

The breath he took in was shaky, but it wasn't one of those which he used to brace himself for impact. He risked looking over at Yunho. He had his eyes on the road, his limbs relaxed and his face relatively neutral. His tone had been firm, reassuring.

It influenced San more than he thought it could.

He kept his focus on his breathing. They were on the road. Now was not the time.

Yunho took his hand in his larger one, fingers slipping into the gaps of his own. He held onto San tightly, with a silent affection San wasn't used to. His thumb sweeped over the back of his hand, slow and gentle.

It wasn't even long, not a full song passing, and San was fine again. He was left with a sudden emptiness that he wasn't prepared for. Like the waves of the sea just pulled back and revealed a vast, lifeless desert.

He choked. He didn't mean to. But the stuttered breath that passed his lips had Yunho looking at him quickly.

" _There's a stop right there. I'm pulling over._ "

San shook his head quickly, hair flailing around his head, " _No, no. Yunho it's not th-_ "

" _San. It's okay,_ " his tone was firm but without any anger. There wasn't even a trace of impatience. San didn't understand.

Why the hell was Yunho so calm?

Yunho easily slid into an open spot, the tires screeching with how hard he stepped on the breaks. He had let go of San's hand and was already out his door. San didn't remember seeing him unfastening his seatbelt.

San's door opened and Yunho leaned over him to smash his thumb into the button of the buckle. His smell swarmed San's senses. It was warm and safe there.

He pulled San out effortlessly, his pretty hands as gentle as with everything he did. Yunho pressed him against the car, the cold metal a shocking reminder of where they were.

Yunho cupped his cheeks, his eyes so dark and so attentive that San couldn't look away. He was sucked into the concern there and it held him captive.

" _Hey,_ " Yunho said soothingly, his body crowding San's. " _It's okay, San-ah. You're okay._ "

San closed his eyes, giving in and letting a shiver run through him, feeling bashful at how intense Yunho was regarding him. It wasn't that big a deal. It's happened before, and San could rein it in. He was fine.

" _I'm fine Yunho. Really,_ " he insisted, his hands coming up to rest on Yunho's hips. His fingers slipped into the belt loops of his jeans, gripping the fabric.

Yunho lightly stroked the dry skin beneath San's eyes, like he knew San had been yanked away from the storm, " _Even if you're fine now, San-ah, something upset you._ " 

" _It wasn't that bad, it just-_ " San caught himself, gazing into Yunho's eyes and not seeing the judgement he thought he would. Yunho stayed quiet, giving San the time he needed.

San took a few breaths, not too deep, knowing he could make himself hyperventilate if he was too focused on it. He slid his hands up to Yunho's firm abdomen, the material of his thin shirt soft beneath his fingers.

" _It just took me by surprise. That's all,_ " he whispered into the space between them. 

Yunho's one hand trailed over his ear to slip his fingers into San's hair. He pulled it back just to do the same thing again. San leaned into the touch without realising it.

" _Even if it's the smallest thing, San-ah, you can tell me. I_ want _you to tell me,_ " his gaze was open. Earnest. " _I won't allow whoever hurt you to silence you. I won't allow it._ "

San gave a shaky exhale. Yunho's honesty was something he needed to get used to. Yunho was calm and gentle, but he was direct. And he tended to confront San and his emotions head on.

San didn't think he would ever be able to express how grateful he was for that.

" _I… I just,_ " he took a breath, aware of Yunho's other hand moving down to hold his waist. Yunho held him steady. Safe. Even the cool evening breeze couldn't break the warmth they shared. " _I wasn't sure if…_ "

_If you would let me touch you. If you'd want me to._

The silence Yunho gave him was patient. Yunho was in no rush to get things out of San. He looked like he would stand at the gas station all night if he had to, if it was what San needed. 

" _I really wanted to touch you,_ " he finally managed to murmur through a sudden harsh blush.

A small smile lit up Yunho's eyes. His expression was entirely fond. It made San warm on the inside. It made him burn.

Yunho's hand in San's hair moved to cup the back of his head as he lowered his own, pressing their foreheads together. He pulled back and placed that same hand on San's waist too. His eyes were exploring San's face, impossibly soft.

San squirmed under the attention.

" _You can touch me, San-ah,_ " he said with a low tone, his breath fanning over San's warm face. " _I actually want you to touch me._ "

San's heart was beating through his chest, the veins in his throat swollen with his nervousness. He was so unsure of himself, but the way Yunho looked at him made San feel like he didn't need to be.

Made him feel safe.

His one hand hesitantly came up towards Yunho's face. To his surprise, he wasn't shaking at all. Yunho's eyes trailed over San's features, from his eyebrows to his lips. His smile was gone, his expression serious and open.

San lightly brushed his fingers against the few strands that hung in Yunho's eyes, moving them away, before pressing his fingers to his temple and sliding them into his hair. He almost held his breath as there was no resistance that greeted him.

Yunho's gaze was very dark when San's eyes fell back down. He regarded San like he had been waiting for this for a long time. San felt Yunho's fingers tighten where they were gripping his waist. 

It gave him the courage to keep going. He pulled back so that he could put his hand on the side of Yunho's neck, sliding his fingers in from below. San saw goosebumps blossom over Yunho's skin.

Yunho seemed to break, his pupil-dominated eyes focused on San's lips right before he leaned down and claimed them with his own. He pulled San closer by his waist, and San responded in kind by letting his other hand grip the collar of Yunho's shirt. 

There was a muted sound that popped between them as Yunho pulled away, but San barely had time to take a breath when Yunho kissed him again. His kiss was soft but intrusive, his height forcing San to tilt his head up, standing on his toes to reach. Yunho's hands on his waist held him there, steady.

When San threw his arm over Yunho's shoulder and gripped his hair tighter, Yunho let a low sound escape his chest. San felt it against his own. He gasped, taken by surprise how hot it had become between them.

They both pulled away, breaths a little laboured. Yunho was smiling like he won the best kind of prize. San felt his cheeks flush with heat, silently thankful for the low lightning.

Yunho only let San drop down to stand flat on his feet after pressing a warm kiss to the side of his eye. His warm breath fanned over his face. San let his hands slip to rest on Yunho's chest. He felt Yunho's heart beating rapidly.

The last traces of the sun had disappeared completely, only a dark sky and distant city lights on the horizon now. The traffic from the highway blocked out the stars.

After buying coffee and food for the road, they got back into the car and set off in the direction of the sea. Yunho said he'd drive until he felt tired. San chose another radio station, knowing they'll only make it through the night if they had some fast-paced music.

This time though, Yunho placed San's hand on his own thigh, holding it there and playing with their fingers whenever he wasn't changing gears. And there was an open road ahead of them, which meant it rarely happened. 

San couldn't wipe the smile from his lips. His mind was quiet, his thoughts only focused on how it felt being wrapped up in everything Yunho was. 

And Yunho certainly was everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments so far! I am so weirded out by a fact that that many people have read and actually liked what I put up, so I appreciate all of it! Please stay safe, and stay close to your loved ones, no matter how much they drive you up the walls, hehe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for the vibe of this chapter: Achilles Come Down, Gang of Youths
> 
> [This is just a really nice song, guys. have a listen, okay? It's not the easiest listen, but close your eyes and imagine that you're standing in a noir-type museum.]
> 
> Please enjoy!

* * *

. . .a c h i l l e s c o m e d o w n. . .

* * *

It had been more than twelve hours since Yunho arrived with a barely awake San at his apartment. The smaller boy had been hanging limply on his side, his entire body weak as Yunho deposited him on his bed.

Yunho didn't know what to do with himself. Seeing San passed out on his bed made something settle in his chest, but he wasn't entirely sure what to call it. He decided not to attempt to identify it right then and there, and made himself useful by cleaning his apartment before taking a shower.

Through lack of motivation, neither in the mood to get any work done nor play games, Yunho took to splay himself over his couch as his mind twisted around and around. His thoughts travelled to the past, to all the times he and San had spent together. Seeing the smaller boy in the hospital after all those years had been shocking.

Watching San crumble in on himself and dissolving into a panic attack was even worse. Yunho never felt so useless in his entire life. He hated that feeling more than he probably hated anything else.

Yunho found himself unable to sit still and decided to go check on San. He took San to his place instead of trying to figure out where the younger lived while he was drowsy beyond cognition. He also felt like he would be more intrusive than anything else if he did try to find out.

He reasoned that as a private person, San would've disliked having someone uninvited at his place.

The same feeling as before washed over him as he entered his room. The confusion that came along with it was ignored. He placed the back of his hand on San's forehead, his steadily lowering temperature calming Yunho's nerves.

Worry for the smaller was sparking up in him at every damn turn. He was really curious how, after all the years he hadn't seen San, he could possibly be so worried about him. They were practically strangers at that point. Yunho shouldn't have been so invested so quickly.

But San looked like the boy Yunho remembered from so long ago. He might have gotten taller, his face sharper and his voice deeper, but he still looked like Yunho's old school friend.

So Yunho couldn't help but worry. He couldn't stem the curiosity and the concern that bloomed in his chest. 

The first thing that had bothered him was obviously the fact that San had literally stumbled into him. San could barely stand on his own two feet, and he smelled like a club. His breath was heavily laced with alcohol and his clothes smelled like smoke and vomit.

He had also been slurring, his sentences messy as he kept insisting on seeing someone named Wooyoung. It was then that Yunho realised they were there for the same person. 

Well, Yunho was there for Mingi, being his friend's only source of transportation, and Mingi was there for the boy he had been fawning over for months. So he was there for Wooyoung indirectly. He just hadn't thought he'd run into an old friend at a hospital that early in the morning, or ever, for that matter.

And San was the last person he thought he would ever run into.

The next thing that Yunho was caught up on was the fact that San was so very small. He had noticeably wide shoulders, not quite as wide as Yunho's, but still impressive considering the rest of him. His torso was as flat as a board and was accompanied by a tiny waist and slim hips.

Yunho could clearly feel the corded muscles over San's body as he held him, but he didn't like how underweight San was. And despite San's muscle weight, he was extremely easy to carry for Yunho. It was concerning.

San had always been on the small side, even in school, but back then Yunho wasn't as informed on the causes and the risks of boys being that small. Now he was, and he wanted to kick himself for being so oblivious back then.

Which is what led him to his last and most pressing worry. The fact that San had gotten a panic attack right in front of him.

Yunho, as a dance major and university student, knew what stress was. He has seen it in many forms, and even experienced it every now and then. Stress was something that festered and without the right management, could lead to mental breakdowns. Yunho had seen a great deal so far.

He had never seen a panic attack before, though. And what made it worse is that it was San.

San was the cool kid who was quiet and reserved. Even after they had become friends at school, Yunho always regarded San as someone with impressive self-possession. He might have been silly at rare times with his friends, but he never showed sadness or panic.

So seeing him trembling and crying was alarming. Yunho watched as he fell to the floor and hugged himself so tight it looked like he was going to crush his body into a ball. Yunho had felt his stomach fill with fear as painful noises wrenched themselves out of San.

After San had sucked in a massive, implosive breath, he leaned into Yunho's body like he was a lifeline. And Yunho wanted to hold on and not let go until he knew San was safe again.

So maybe he was a bit influenced by his emotions when he decided to take San home with him, but he also knew that San needed someone to wake up to who could tell him what happened.

Just as Yunho had grown restless and started making a late supper, he heard hesitant footsteps coming down the hall. He let the meat simmer on low heat as he turned around, leaning against the counter with his palms rested on either side of his waist. San appeared from around the corner, squinting and looking extremely lost.

" _ Yunho? _ " he asked with a husky voice.

Yunho was quick, passing San a glass of water over the island. San drank it down eagerly, giving it back and indicating that he wanted more.

" _ You're awake. You were out cold the entire day, _ " he said as he poured San more water, before checking on the meat.

" _ Why am I at your place? _ "

San just stood there, arms folded as if he was trying to hide himself. His discomfort was tangible. Yunho felt a quick flash of regret settle in his chest. He wanted San to feel safe, not afraid.

" _ The nurses told me that you shouldn't be left alone after a panic attack. And I don't know where you live, either. _ "

Yunho took out a packet of frozen stir fry vegetables, crushing the big chunks between his palm and the counter while the packet was still closed. San watched him in silence for a while, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. Yunho noticed how plump San's lips were.

He tore his gaze away, instead filling a pot with water for the noodles.

" _ What happened… _ " San paused, unsure. Yunho waited. He knew it was strange. Knew San was uncomfortable.

San shook his head, before frowning up at Yunho from across the island, " _ How is Wooyoung? Is he still at the hospital? Why did you take me here? Couldn't you have ju- _ "

" _ Woah, okay. I'll answer everything, but you need to take it easy. _ " Yunho negotiated, not wanting San to spiral like that.

San unfolded his arms, meeting Yunho's eyes angrily as he clenched his fists at his sides. " _ I don't need to take it easy. I need to be with Wooyoung. It's my- _ " he cut himself off this time. He took a deep breath, breaking eye contact. Eyes roaming the counter.

Yunho took out the noodles before cutting the bag open and emptying it into the pot with boiling water. After he lowered the heat of the stove plate, he turned to San again. " _ Wooyoung is fine. He's still at the hospital. The most they can do now is keep him hydrated and watch his fever. He'll be out by tomorrow or the day thereafter. _ "

San's eyes snapped to him urgently, his features pulled into a frown, " _ He has a fever? Why didn't you leave me with him? _ "

" _ San, calm down. He's- _ "

" _ Don't fucking tell me he's fine! Don't even tell me to calm down! He's there all alone, and I need to be there with him, _ " he raised his voice, a flush of anger blooming on his relatively pale face.

Yunho put down the wooden spoon he was stirring the meat and vegetables with. Regarded San firmly, meeting his accusatory gaze. He said calmly, " _ Wooyoung isn't alone. My friend, Mingi, is with him. Stayed with him through the night. They already informed his parents. _ "

San gave a frustrated huff.

" _ San, he really is fine. _ "

He went back to checking the food, already boiling the kettle for the mushroom sauce. San leaned against the island, sagging with worry and exhaustion. Being angry took a lot of energy.

" _ I still need to be with him. Why did you bring me here? _ "

" _ You were also coming down with a fever. I checked at the reception. They said you don't have medical aid, _ " Yunho tried to keep San's gaze, but the smaller dropped his eyes to fidget with his fingers. " _ And I know you, San. I wasn't just going to leave you. _ "

Silence settled in the space between them, only the sizzling of the oil in the pan and the boiling water to disrupt it. Yunho sighed, willing to make a trade off. " _ Look, I'll take you to the hospital, _ " San brightened instantly, his expression both surprised and eager. Yunho was quick to continue, " _ But first, you need to eat. And then shower. You smell… uhm, kind of too gross to see Wooyoung. _ "

Awareness dawned in San's eyes, and Yunho wasn't sure if he could call the sudden colour in his face a blush, but it seemed to come quite close. He hid a smile when San shifted his weight to his other leg, more embarrassed than uncomfortable.

" _ I don't have anything with me. I only have what I'm wearing. _ "

Yunho was nearly done, the meat and vegetables already covered in mushroom sauce and the noodles coming off the heat. He took out two bowls and two pairs of chopsticks, placing one of each where San was standing. He pointed to the barstool which San could sit on.

" _ I'll give you some of my clothes, _ " he said with a small smile before serving each of them their meal. San was still standing, looking like he was caught in a trap. Yunho made himself comfortable, looking up at San curiously.

He sighed before sitting down, seemingly too tired to be stubborn. He didn't touch his food yet.

" _ How do you know Wooyoung? _ "

Yunho folded his arms, ready to be interrogated. He looked at San with a soft expression, open and honest, " _ I don't really. I don't know if you remember from back then, but I always talked about my one friend from the dance academy, Mingi? We're going to the same university now, and he knows Wooyoung. _ "

The frown that Yunho was answered with was equally as cute as it was expected. San did remember. Yunho could see his eyes change when he mentioned Mingi and the academy. What he was probably confused about was why they met again through mutual friends. Yunho and San hadn't parted on the best terms back then.

It was weird how life worked.

San relented, picking up his chopsticks and thanking Yunho for the food before diving in. It had been a massive relief to see the smaller boy eat. Yunho was getting worried that San would eventually have just bolted for the door and run to the hospital instead.

Not much later, Yunho was dropping San off, the other drowning in one of Yunho's massive hoodies. San had seemed scared, like he was going in for his execution. As if he was going to be punished for something.

Yunho wanted to tell him that everything really was alright, but right at that moment, Mingi came and bulldozed Yunho over in a bear hug. He started rattling on about how tired he was, not to mention the worry that plagued him, and by the time Yunho could spare a glance, San was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I want to be a little more expressive, since my introvert really likes to hold me back. 
> 
> So firstly, I want to let you all know that English isn't my home language, but saying that feels unfair, since I've had it in school as a first additional language from when I was... six? Up until my last year of high school. And I'm at uni now, where I have a lot of exposure to English, but I'm better with academical language than romantic or literary language. But still, I sometimes still stumble over vocabulary and grammar.
> 
> Furthermore, I'd really like some feedback, but if you're one of the silent readers, it's completely fine. But an author loses motivation sometimes, you know?
> 
> Anyway, for some reason Yunho can cook in this fic? Hehe, idk, I needed to fill in between the obviously extensive dialogue (btw, I just suck at dialogue, but this fic is helping me develop it a bit).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! See ya soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that inspired the vibe of this chapter: Tongue Tied, Grouplove.
> 
> If you've been waiting for this update, thank you. And please, enjoy! This one isn't as emotionally heavy as the previous ones.

* * *

. . .t o n g u e t i e d. . .

* * *

School had never been one of the top things he wanted to spend time on. It had been long and boring hours completely wasted. It was just completely soul crushing, and mostly because he was a massive introvert and people sucked.

That was how he felt right up to the day he made his first friends. After that, it hadn't been the best time of his life, but it certainly wasn't the worst anymore either. He realised eventually that not everyone sucked. There were a select few people that were actually decent and interesting.

San had always been alone in his classes, because people found it weird that he rarely spoke. And during sports, he tended to go on his own, not at all eager to participate in any group activities. It wasn't that he didn't really want to take part in all the fun stuff, he just wasn't all that good with talking to people he didn't know.

He was even bad at talking to people he did know, which was actually worse.

It was one of those days when the sports teacher wanted to get the kids active, and when he had been dividing them into teams, he had recognized San in front of everyone.

" _ Choi San? _ " he said reading from his paper, no one noticing how San froze in his own skin. " _ Aren't you that kid that won an international taekwondo competition recently? I could've sworn I read it in the newspaper. I thought it sounded familiar! _ "

He peered down at San's unimpressive height, but he looked more intrigued than judgmental. It was then when half of the kids around him turned their attention to the interaction.

It felt as if his skin itched with their eyes gazing curiously at him. He couldn't help feeling self-conscious, suddenly more aware of where he was than just a few moments ago.

He swallowed. Nodded. " _ Yes, Sir. My dad is the owner of the taekwondo academy in town. _ "

That caused a ripple-effect, all of the people nearby suddenly looking at him due to the commotion of whispers that ensued. He didn't like it at all. Really.

And then one kid he had always seen, but never really gotten acquainted with, Felix, spoke up, " _ Hey! I remember you. Sir, can he join our team? _ "

San had been shocked, because no one had ever wanted him on their team. And no one had even ever remembered him.

So that was where he met Jisung, who had been friends with the most popular kids in school. That included Choi Jongho, and of course, Jeong Yunho.

He had been adopted into their group in the blink of an eye, and soon he hadn't been sitting alone anymore. At sports, he was no longer the last to be put in a team, and was even sometimes the first to be chosen out of everyone.

Being friends with a chaotic group that was dominated by extroverts had more of a positive impact on his life than he really realised at the time. He found himself eager to go to school. It was way better than being at home, or anywhere else he had the option of going to.

But above all, being friends with Yunho was something close to a privilege. At least to him.

San distinctly remembered when he had started thinking  _ puppy  _ every time he saw the tall boy. It had been after their school had an event to promote themselves to their source schools, and San's group of friends had grown closer after the entire thing.

It was weird, because even though so much shit went down inside his own house because of that fucking event, San, until this day, didn't regret it one bit. He held very fond memories of back then. It may or may not have been all because of Yunho.

_ Yunho. _

It seemed like everyone liked San even more at that time, since he had been invited to everything they did together. He had known they were a busy group of kids, always socializing and hanging out, but he hadn't known to what extent until he had been accepted into their inner folds.

San couldn't really go to all of their sessions they invited him to, because he was, in every sense of the word, trapped. But he worked harder in taekwondo than he ever did before, just to satisfy his father enough to grant him some space for himself. The fact that he had defended his title of best volleyball player in their school helped a lot.

It wasn't like San needed more time in a day. He had always struggled with sleeping anyway.

It was at the beginning of the warmest season, when they got a decent break from school. The days were super long and the nights were warm enough to go sit outside and stargaze. Yunho had invited their group of friends to go spend some time at his place, maybe half a week.

San remembered that he had started pleading with his parents every day since Yunho asked him with those big and bright eyes of his. He remembered that he had been relentless, doing his chores and stepping inside every damn line they had placed.

He didn't want to miss out. At least not when it was Yunho who asked him.

And San remembered the feeling when they finally gave in. He had been over the moon.

" _ Guys! Guys! _ " he said as he ran to where his friends were gathered near a basketball court. He was breathless with excitement. They looked surprised to see him, but he wasn't sure if it was because he said that he couldn't make it that day or because his smile was splitting his face in half.

He felt it the moment Yunho's eyes rested on him.

Jongho was the victim who received most of the force of his half-tackle, half-hug. San swung over his own feet, nearly losing his balance and face planting into the ground, all the while swinging helpless Jongho with him. But years of exercise made him agile. He stood upright, teeth flashing. 

" _ My parents said yes! I am one-hundred percent coming to yours, Yuyu, _ " he made eye contact with the taller boy. He was greeted with a smile that rivaled the brightness of the sun.

" _ Shit, finally San-ah! _ " Jongho exclaimed, arm going around his waist to shake him dizzy. The rest followed, Jisung launching into everything he missed out last time and Yunho explaining what they'll get up to this time. He was smiling through it all.

Yunho, it seemed, was a massive geek. It wasn't like San didn't know that he loved games, it was just that he hadn't seen it in person yet. Yunho's family had an entire game room, massive monitors mounted to the walls and various forms of games stacked into racks like books.

They were all really outgoing people, having a pool accompanied by an outside lounge and bonfire pit. Yunho's parents were even prepared to receive that many guests, mattresses spread out in the game room and drinks and snacks lining the outside tables every time they went swimming. To San, it seemed like they owned the entire world and were kind enough to share it with him.

It was a really hot day, most of them laying on their backs underneath the massive oak tree that stood sentry over one part of the lounge and a large part of the lawn. Yunho was making slow progress over to them, the tray with the glasses and cold drinks trembling in his arms.

San got up quickly, taking the two large jugs off the tray so that Yunho had an easier time to put it down on the grass. " _ Thanks, _ " Yunho gave him a disarming smile, his eyes bright and twinkling like a puppy's. 

It was useless to hide the red flush that bloomed over his cheeks. San felt like he was constantly blushing around Yunho, but he reasoned that no one had as kind a smile as Yunho had.

It was something to get used to.

" _ No problem, _ " he said as he passed one jug down. Yunho took it easily, his hand nearly fitting around its entire base. As San passed the second one to him, he couldn't help but look at Yunho's long fingers. It really looked like those of a gamer or an artist.

_ You're really perfect, aren't you? _

" _ You boys better be ready for some watermelon, _ " Yunho's mother said as she appeared behind Yunho, a big tray stacked with red and green triangles in her arms. Her tray-holding skills were significantly more developed than Yunho's. That had everyone wide awake, Jongho eagerly jumping up to grab three pieces for himself.

Soon it became a fruit-fight, the main target being Yunho, since he had a winning streak for every game they had played up until that point. It encouraged Yunho's mother to take probably thousands of photos, her pretty yellow dress a blur in the corner of San's eye as he ducked out of Jisung's range of fire.

He ran right into Yunho's chest, breathless, and dodged to the side as Yunho's arm came down to try and smash a piece of watermelon over his head. San slipped on a triangle that was laying forgotten, and ended up on his back. As Yunho leaned over him, gripping his stomach for air, San let out a giggle that was closer to a squeak than anything else.

He saw how the others turned to look at him, amusement exploding over his cuteness, but he was too caught up with how nice Yunho's face looked, even from that angle. Yunho was laughing.

San felt his stomach grow warm. He had done that.

" _ Last one in the pool is a rotten egg! _ " Jongho yelled before sprinting off, being the first one to cannonball into the pool with all of his clothes on. They were wet and sticky anyway. San scrambled upright as Yunho followed Jongho's lead, desperate not to lose.

He came in last despite his efforts, but he did a flashy jump to somersault into the water, his friends cheering when he broke through the surface. " _ Coolest rotten egg I've ever seen, _ " Yunho's mother yelled as she came to stand at the edge, her camera still flashing rapidly.

" _ Nah, he can't be a rotten egg after that. He's earned his place among us, _ " Jisung said from the other side if the pool, sending San a thumbs up when he turned to smile at him.

Later that night, they had showered and were roasting marshmallows over the fire. Yunho's parents were finishing up with dinner. The speakers were turned low, old rock songs drifting over the lawn.

Yunho came from the house, looking like a puppy as he brought them another pack of marshmallows, as theirs was almost finished. His twinkling eyes held more warmth than the fire before San.

San let out a giggle, his voice making that weird squeak sound again, which made all of them burst out laughing. He tried to breathe through his own laughter, the blush in his face disguised by the light from the fire.

" _ I didn't know Sannie-hyung could be so cute! _ " Jongho said with mock accusation. He was smacking a choking Jisung on the back, the sound of slapping resonating through the area.

Yunho chuckled as he came to stand next to San, looking down at him with amusement in his voice, " _ You didn't? I thought everyone saw how cute he was. San's just shy, but he's funny around us. _ "

San groaned at that, suddenly being scrutinized by his friends. His stomach was still sore from laughing. He swiped a tear out of the corner of his eye

" _ But guys, don't you see it? _ " he said pointing at Yunho's face, which was now painted with curiosity. " _ He looks just like a puppy! Like a Golden Retriever! _ "

The attention turned away from him and onto Yunho. It wasn't long when they all burst out laughing again, Yunho's bewildered look not helping in the least. Jongho had fallen over the side of his seat, giggling into the grass. San curled in on himself, unable to stop the squeaky sounds escaping him.

It was probably the most fun they had as a group of friends since the day of their performance. Somehow, it felt like both just the day before and ages ago. Their warm laughter was soon replaced with lively chatting, the food in their bellies keeping them awake as they traced patterns in the night sky with their fingers.

Looking back, San realised he had been wrong. Those had really been the best days of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who left kudos and comments! There is a beast behind every author, hungry for kudos and feedback, believe me. 
> 
> It's waaay more than I expected, and it really helps me with continuing with the story. Keep an eye out for the next update!
> 
> Please stay safe and healthy, and if you're sick, get well soon! All of you deserve good health and happiness! 💕


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that inspired the vibe of this chapter: rue, girl in red.
> 
> Please enjoy! It's gonna be a rough ride, this one...

* * *

. . .r u e. . .

* * *

It was still early in the morning. The sky was completely covered in grey clouds, the rising sun hidden from the world.

Yunho could feel the long hours of driving in his muscles, in the way his neck cramped when he turned it too abruptly. At least the weather bought them a day off, even if they were excited to go to the beach.

The kitchen and lounge were bathed in dull natural lighting, the sheer curtains of the open slide doors stirring slightly. When he came around the corner, he was surprised to see San standing at the sink. He was holding a glass underneath the open tap, water spilling over the edges and streaming down his fingers.

He was still dressed in his sweatpants and an oversized shirt, which was one of Yunho's. His black hair was ruffled, soft and puffy. If Yunho wasn't as concerned about him, he'd have found it cute.

It happened to San sometimes. He just seemed to freeze, staring off into a distance Yunho couldn't even try to comprehend. San was trapped in between his reality and the past, and all Yunho could do was hold him until he came back.

" _ San-ah? Hey, you okay? _ " he spoke softly as he stood against San, reaching past him to close the running water. He also lightly gripped the glass to take it from him and place it out of the way, trying to avoid startling San. 

Yunho pulled him away, gently, and towards the lounge where he could guide him to sit on the couch. This was not going to be a good day. Yunho realised that the moment San jerked away from him with a breathless flinch.

" _ Woah, okay, _ " he said soothingly, holding his hands up in surrender. San's eyes darted between them and his face, confused, verging on frightened. " _ It's okay, San-ah. _ "

" _ Yun-Yunho? _ " he sounded unsure.

" _ Yeah, it's me. I'm right here. _ "

" _ I didn't… I'm… _ " he looked around, then back at Yunho. It seemed like he held the galaxy in his eyes. They were dark and consuming, even though they were suddenly overflowing with what looked like guilt. 

Yunho just stood still, his arms falling to his sides. He knew his face was written in concern. His voice was thick with it. " _ What's wrong, San-ah? _ "

The silence between them made the space which accompanied it seem as wide as the entire world. It stretched and expanded as Yunho saw various emotions crossing San's features within a single moment. 

San shook his head, his breathing not quite heavy but not normal either. His right hand came up to rub over his left arm, fingers gripping his shoulder harshly. Yunho was no expert, so his best guess was that it was a gesture of self-comfort.

" _ Nothing. Nothing's wrong, I'm fine. _ "

" _ It doesn't look like nothing, San-ah. _ "

San frowned at the term, not making eye contact. He kept his focus on a spot somewhere behind Yunho.

" _ I'm fine, Yunho, _ " his tone was cold, eyes flicking up to him before dropping away again. 

Yunho took a careful step forward, and when San didn't immediately retreat, he said, " _ Don't push me away, San. I just want to help. _ "

" _ Well, I don't need any help. I'm fine. _ "

The way his voice sounded was like nails on a board to Yunho, making him suppress an involuntary shiver. He knew San was building his walls around him, blocking Yunho emotionally. He couldn't let that happen.

It was too dangerous.

" _ You don't look fine, _ " he said slowly, studying San's features carefully.

" _ What the  _ fuck _ do you even know, huh? _ " San snapped at him, his eyes now meeting Yunho's, albeit wavering in their firmness. He was clinging onto the last strips of his composure. Yunho could see his past burning like unshed tears behind those beautiful galaxies. " _ You don't even really care anyway, so what the fuck is your problem? I said I'm fine. _ "

Yunho didn't flinch, even though he felt the sting in his chest.

" _ Woah, don't say that. You know I care, San-ah. _ "

" _ Stop calling me that! Since when do you care, Yunho? It's just one massive fucking burden to you, _ " he said as he trembled, turning his back to Yunho and walking away. He took in a shaky breath.

_ Oh no.  _

_ No no no. _

" _ No, San. It's not like that at all. Just listen to me, okay? _ " Yunho said before following him, reaching out to put his hand on San's shoulder. San spun around, slapping his hand away harshly.

" _ Don't touch me, _ " he warned with an unsteady voice. The storm was lurking close by, waiting for the lightning to crack open the gates and drown both of them in one sweep with the crushing waves that would follow.

" _ San, please. Just li- _ "

" _ How do you expect me to believe anything you say? You want me to listen, so that you don't have to see me break, right? _ " he stumbled back as he threw Yunho an accusatory glare. His breath rattled through him, his throat thick with emotion.

Yunho felt his heart beat twice its usual pace, climbing into his throat. He didn't want San to push him away like this. He wanted San to feel safe with him, not feel trapped or targeted.

_ What did he do to you? _

He moved to get closer to San, but was rejected instantly.

" _ Stay away from me! _ " San shivered as his back collided with the island behind him. He threw a panicked look around him, desperate for an escape. He stopped when Yunho stepped back.

" _ It's okay, San-ah. I'm not going to hurt you. I will never hurt you, okay? _ "

San's eyes met his right as his resolve crumbled. The tears tumbled over his lashes, and he reached up to wipe them away frantically, leaving reddened skin wherever he touched.

" _ You don't mean that. You don't… _ " he nearly choked on his next breath. " _ You're already tuh-tired of me. _ "

Yunho took his chance while San was distracted, surging forward. He brushed San's trembling hands away from his face so that he could gently thumb at the tears that fell without reservation. San jerked in surprise before he shoved his hands against Yunho's chest, but his raging emotions left him with little strength.

" _ No, San-ah. Not at all, okay? I'm not tired of you. Please don't say that, _ " he whispered as he cupped San's cheeks, tilting his head up so that they could make eye contact. The stars he saw there made his heart warm as he took in the pain written within them. " _ Please don't think that. _ "

The stuttered breath that left San's lips fanned over his face. His features pulled into a frown as another wave of tears spilled over his cheeks.

" _ How can you ss-say that? _ " he sniffed, his hands still pushing at Yunho, trying to get him away. Yunho stood his ground. " _ I'm  _ broken _ , and I-I'll keep on breaking. It's nev-never gonna stop... _ "

As Yunho brushed the tears away, he pressed his weight against San, holding him secure between his body and the island, worried that his legs might give out beneath him. San was so fragile now, consumed by his fears and his demons.

Yunho, who wasn’t a violent person at all, wanted to break something, frustration building inside him. How did it get to the point that San thought he was an object that could be  _ broken _ ? What the hell happened that San thought there was anything  _ wrong _ with him?

Yunho stroked a hand through San's hair before returning it to his cheek, drawing his hazy eyes to focus on him. He wanted him to be present, right here, where he was safe from harm. When those dark brown eyes finally cleared, Yunho felt a lump settle in his throat, " _ There's nothing wrong with  _ you _ , San-ah. _ "

It caused San to flinch away, his fingers curling into fists, taking Yunho's shirt with them. He shoved, but only managed to jostle Yunho slightly. Yunho felt like he should press in now, before San cut him off. He needed him to understand.

" _ The things that happened to you,  _ that's _ what's wrong. Not  _ you _. It's never been you, _ " he let go of his cheeks as San turned his face away, but gripped his waist instead. Yunho refused to let him slip through his fingers. San's fists pulled at his shirt before pushing at his chest again. He was shaking his head frantically.

" _ You don't really think that. You're tired of having to pick up the pieces. I'm not stupid, Yunho. _ "

It was painful to hear San say it like that. Like Yunho was only with him out of obligation, not because he wanted to be. Yunho knew that San was confused, his mind doing all kinds of cartwheels to make his present reality match his past reality.

Like making Yunho the same bastard who hurt him before he knew what was right and wrong. It hurt Yunho to be associated with someone like that, but he knew San was the one suffering. San needed to get used to the truth.

" _ Just because I get tired helping you doesn't mean that I don't  _ want _ to help you. I'm inexperienced, San. It's tiring. But it's something I want to do. I'm  _ here  _ for  _ you _. And I'll stay here, with you. _ "

San was shaking, no longer fighting to push Yunho off. He was listening. His breaths still came out in laboured puffs. The drops of salty tears were still making their way to the surface. 

" _ You're not broken, San-ah, _ " he said softly as he pressed his lips against his warm temple. His hair smelled clean, like the flavour shampoo they bought on their way here. They were on the road four hours in when they realised that neither of them thought of bringing shampoo with them. It was something that made them laugh.

" _ Things are only changing for you now, since you're finally on a real break. _ "

San dropped his hands completely. He turned his head so that he could search Yunho's face with his glassy eyes.

" _ But it's so much trouble. Are you really sure that you're not fooling yourself because you're too kind to leave me? _ "

" _ What? Of course not, San. What made you think that? _ " Yunho said with a frown, breath punched from his lungs. Did San really think Yunho was doing this out of a sense of duty towards him? Was San really that confused or was Yunho doing a poor job of communicating?

" _ You're just too perfect, Yunho. How did you end up with me? _ " San's voice cracked on the last word. 

It was like having an itch without knowing where to scratch. Yunho chose to be direct without being harsh.

" _ I'm not close to being perfect San. And I'm not looking for perfect either. I don't care how many times you feel like your world is coming down around you. I hate thinking that you were alone for so long every time it happened. I want to be here, no matter how many times or how frequently it happens. _ "

San closed his eyes, twin tears rolling down the sides of his face and trailing over his jaw, all the way down into the collar of his shirt. He sagged against Yunho, his wet face pressing into his shoulder. Yunho wrapped his arms around him, kissing the top of his head.

" _ You're not making sense, Yunho-ah, _ " San murmured, his voice husky. Yunho could hear his pout.

Yunho reached up, stroking his hand through San's hair, fingers massaging the nape of his neck. San was so warm against him. It made Yunho's initial concern fade slightly. 

" _ Don't worry, Sannie. We're both still getting used to everything. _ "

He was answered with a soft hum, San's arms finally coming up to wrap around Yunho's waist. He held on tightly, turning his face into the crook of Yunho's neck. His hot breath fell over Yunho’s skin, slower than before. It was good.

Yunho knew the storm had finally passed. San was safe again, even if he was confused and raw from the emotional turmoil.

" _ Hey, do you know what would be perfect right now? _ " Yunho asked as he rested his cheek on San's head. The corners of his mouth lifted as San groaned a husky  _ uh-uh  _ into his skin. " _ Ice cream! _ "

" _ What? In this weather? Are you crazy? _ " San said as he lifted his head to frown up at Yunho.

It was the perfect angle. Yunho pressed their lips together quickly, chuckling at the look of surprise that flitted over San's features when he pulled back.

" _ What do you mean 'in this weather'? It's the best possible weather. _ "

San's giggle was subdued, more breath than anything else. It was like air for Yunho, completely priceless. Worth losing everything over, and worth giving away everything for.

" _ You're weird, Yuyu. _ "

Yunho smiled, pressing another kiss to San's lips. San tightened his arms around him before he could pull away. His mouth was warm as it parted beneath Yunho's, giving him more than he ever wanted, but everything he needed.

Even though it was over now, Yunho knew it wasn't going to last. San's mind was reeling within the silence, his thoughts running free. All Yunho could do now was distract him long enough to recover. He could handle hundreds of waves in a day, but he didn't want San to suffer through all of them without taking a breath at least every now and then.

If San drowned, he would take Yunho right with him. Yunho knew he should have been scared about how much he was willing to give to San, but the thought of San finally being happy at the end of it all gave him little reason to linger on it.

San deserved the entire universe, and Yunho promised himself to give him just that, even if it meant the end of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, the kudos going up really stresses me out, but all of you who have read this far, thank you so very much! It's so kind of you, and I don't really know how to express my gratitude. And everyone who left comment, you guys are so damn considerate, I can't even 💕💖
> 
> Stay save and healthy guys, and good luck with everything you're doing! ✨


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